Harry and Izmir's Excellent Blogventure

Egypt totally rocks!!! Tune in to Harry and Izmir's Excellent Blogventure and get disoriented in Cairo, the capital of disorientalism.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas

A Very Izzy Christmas

So, it is the New Year and you are probably asking yourself, “Why doesn’t Dr. Harry ever write anything topical? Why does it always feel his columns are beamed down from Mars with no reference to the time, place, or sexual orientation of the reader?” To all of you out there in readerland who were thinking these exact thoughts I say, “Hah Hah! Only dorks live in readerland!”
But seriously, I have been enjoying a bit of eggnog and as a result am actually feeling a bit of the holiday spirit. So, without further delay, I give you this year’s Very Izzy Christmas report.
I had a great time this Christmas. As usual, I put coal in Izmir’s stocking and he put poo in mine. And then we started drinking. After a few eye-opening glasses of morning eggnog, we were in such good spirits that we began to sing such old favorites as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus, and Silent Nacht. This last tune I especially enjoy. We do a bilingual version. I’m not sure where Izmir learned German; he is quite good at it, though. Izzy acquires languages almost as easily as he acquires STD’s.
Actually, I don’t really have much more to say about the holidays. It is hard to get in the spirit while I am here in Cairo. I’m not sure why, but nobody ever seems to care too much about Christmas around here. Maybe it has something to do with this “Islam” stuff I keep hearing about. I should probably look into this…but for the time being I will write about something that interests me a bit more, namely graduate school and the Algerian War of Independence.

Applications, Crap-lications

Much to Izmir’s chagrin, I have recovered from my post-Christmas hangover and am currently working on my graduate school applications. He believes that it is forbidden to do any work between Christmas and New Year’s. In fact, he believes it is forbidden to do just about anything during this week except drink copious amounts of eggnog and puke on the Christmas decorations.
However, after several hours of filling in online forms and trying to figure out exactly what my purpose really is so that I can write a “Statement of Purpose” about it, I too am ready to start throwing back the nog. A few years ago, when I was applying to the CASA program, I wrote a “Statement of Porpoise”. It was mostly about my pet dolphin. For some reason they didn’t let me in.
Izmir is lucky. He has never had to apply to anything. All the great things he has done in his life have just kind of fallen into his lap. Like the time he was passed out drunk in the gutter along the Champs-Elysées. Jacques Chirac saw him from his limo and recognized Izmir from their days fighting in Algeria. He picked him up, cleaned him off, and then gave him a state dinner and a medal for bravery. Afterwards, Izmir told me this story:
“I was passed out drunk in the gutter in Oran one day when a group of French soldiers started kicking me and calling me Pepé le Peu. Thankfully their commander intervened and, when he learned that I spoke Arabic and French, hired me to be their interpreter. Later on he realized I was a smelly monkey and began to regret his decision, but by that time we were in the thick of the fighting and there was no time to find someone else. Anyway, I saved the lives of our entire battalion one day when I convinced a large group of enemy soldiers that we were in fact a wandering band of existentialist poets from the Basque region, and that Mr. Chirac was actually a mutated weasel-man from the planet Zorgdor. For that, I was admitted to the legion of honor.”
Jacques actually called Izmir the other day to ask if he wanted to serve with the “peace” keeping force in Lebanon. He turned him down. This is probably a good thing, since Izmir hates peace. I’m pretty sure he would be able to get the civil war going again within a week of his arrival in Beirut.

Crappy New Years!

I have a little more space to fill here, so I was thinking I would give everyone a run-down of the hottest spots for New Year’s parties this year. I then realized that in fact this magazine will not be published until after the first of January, and so the list would not be of much use. I also realized (or rather Izmir reminded me) that I am a loser and as such do not know where any cool New Year’s parties are. Likewise, if you have read to this point you are probably also a loser (and a resident of readerland) and as such have no need for cool parties.
Losers and otherwise, stay tuned next month for Izmir’s Valentine’s Day Guide to Monkey Love.

2 Comments:

  • At 7:21 AM, December 27, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Merry Christmas to you too Buts. I was once in the gutter myself. Tell your friend Ig... that I can attest: Chirac's breathe has not gotten any better.
    Grits

     
  • At 1:51 AM, February 02, 2007, Anonymous Odoggdiggetydankstahkillahfreshface said…

    I found my special purpose online, too

     

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